The wheel of consent and the 3 minute game
Something valuable I've learned through my work is that most of us were never really taught how to communicate about touch.
We assume we know what we want, what another person wants or what should happen in an intimate moment. But when we slow down and get curious, many of us discover that expressing our desires, preferences and boundaries isn't nearly as easy as it sounds.
The Wheel of Consent, developed by Betty Martin, is a simple yet profound practice that helps people understand themselves, their relationship with touch, and the difference between giving and receiving, all within a framework of clear communication and consent.
I first encountered this work at a Tantra Festival a few years ago. We played something called the 3 Minute Game, and I found it quietly revelatory. It showed me things about myself I had never consciously noticed before.
I sometimes offer this game during sessions. If you'd like to explore it together, just let me know.
Many of us grew up receiving touch we didn't ask for. We were encouraged to hug relatives, kiss family members, sit still, be polite- to accept things that didn't always feel comfortable. We learned, often without realising it, to prioritise what others wanted over what we ourselves were experiencing.
As adults, this can make it surprisingly hard to answer even simple questions:
What do I actually want?
What feels good to me?
What are my boundaries and how do I communicate them?
Can I receive without feeling guilty?
Can I express a desire without worrying about being judged?
The Wheel of Consent creates a space to explore these questions in a playful, practical and embodied way.
The 3 minute game is beautifully simple.
Two people take turns asking each other two questions.
The first question is:
"How would you like me to touch you for three minutes?"
This question is for the receiver. It invites you to notice what you genuinely want right now -perhaps to have your hands held, your shoulders massaged, a gentle stroke along your arm. The focus is entirely on your experience and your pleasure.
And the second question is:
"How would you like to touch me for three minutes?"
This one often surprises people. Rather than focusing on what the other person wants, it invites you to notice what you would enjoy doing. Within agreed boundaries, you choose. Again, the focus is on your experience and your pleasure.
After three minutes, you switch.
It sounds simple. And it can be deeply revealing because a few things can come up.
When people answer the first question, many find they're simply not used to asking for what they want.
Some know immediately. Others go quiet. Some catch themselves thinking about what would be easiest for the other person rather than what they actually desire. Some worry about asking for too much. Others realise they rarely pause to notice what would feel good in the first place.
Receiving can be surprisingly vulnerable. For some, allowing another person to focus entirely on their comfort and pleasure feels unfamiliar and even uncomfortable. For others, it feels deeply nourishing.
The second question tends to reveal something different. Many people discover they're far more comfortable giving than receiving. Others notice how much of their energy goes into anticipating what others want, leaving little room for their own desires. Some feel hesitant to admit what they'd enjoy. Others find a sense of freedom and aliveness in simply being honest.
There are no right or wrong answers. The game is just an invitation to get curious.
What fascinates me most about the 3 Minute Game is that its lessons rarely stay contained to touch.
People start noticing patterns that run through their everyday lives: in relationships, at work, in how they ask for things (or don't). Some realise they frequently set aside their own needs to keep others comfortable. Some give generously but struggle to receive. Others discover they spend more energy guessing what people want than simply asking and listening.
The game holds all of this gently, without pressure or judgement.
People often leave with a clearer sense of themselves, of what they want, what they're willing to offer and how to communicate both. There is a clearer understanding of consent and a greater ease with pleasure. Also there is more confidence in expressing needs, desires and boundaries honestly.
What I love most about the Wheel of Consent is that it turns consent from a rule into a playful conversation.
It moves us out of assumptions and into presence with ourselves and with another person. At its heart, it's a practice of awareness, honesty and mutual respect.
And sometimes, through something as simple as a three-minute game, we discover something important about the way we relate to touch, to intimacy and to life itself.
If you'd like to experience the 3 Minute Game in a session, feel free to reach out — I'd love to explore it with you.
Love,
Rosie x
*More of my writing here: https://rosiemoondiary.substack.com/