When touch arouses us

A dear guest told me a few weeks ago that he had once become very aroused during a reflexology massage. He remembered how wonderful the massage felt, yet when he realised he had an erection, his enjoyment turned into embarrassment because he felt that something inappropriate was happening.

Another guest shared a similar experience., he had been enjoying a massage at a spa when he noticed himself becoming aroused. He wasn't attracted to the woman touching him and he had no desire to turn the experience into something sexual, yet his body was responding to the sensations. Instead of relaxing into the massage, he became increasingly conscious of his erection, wondering whether the therapist had noticed and what she might think of him.

He told me that what he really wanted was to find a space where he could completely relax, without having to worry about what his body might do, where he could simply enjoy receiving touch and feel that all of him was welcome. That's how he came across tantric massage.

I understood him because something similar happened to me a few years ago. During an ordinary relaxation massage, the therapist began touching my neck and hair, and I suddenly noticed how unexpectedly pleasurable it felt. Almost immediately, I thought, I'm not supposed to feel like this here and started thinking about what I was going to eat for dinner. :)

Recently, I came across a video of a massage therapist explaining that she doesn't work with men because they might become sexually aroused during a massage. I respect every practitioner's right to decide whom they feel comfortable working with, but it made me think about how often we confuse a natural bodily response with sexual intention.

Women can also become sexually aroused during a massage, of course. The difference is that our arousal is often less visible, so we may be able to experience those sensations without the person touching us ever knowing. For men, an erection can make something deeply private suddenly visible and with that visibility may come a fear of being misunderstood, judged or seen as having intentions they don't actually have.

An erection doesn't necessarily mean a man wants to have s*ex with the person touching him, just as feeling aroused doesn't necessarily mean we're attracted to someone. Touch can awaken pleasure, tenderness, emotion and sexual energy in ways we don't always anticipate, and our bodies don't necessarily distinguish between these experiences as neatly as our minds would like them to.

There is also an important difference between what we feel and how we choose to behave. We are responsible for respecting another person's boundaries and the agreements of the space we're sharing, but the sensations that arise within us are not always something we consciously decide.

Interestingly, I also see the opposite happening in my work sometimes. Some men arrive for a tantric massage expecting to become aroused, perhaps believing that an erection is a sign that they're enjoying the experience or that their body is responding as it should. And when that doesn't happen, they may begin to wonder why their body isn't doing what they expected.

I find these two experiences quite revealing. In an ordinary massage, a man may feel uncomfortable because he has an erection, while in a tantric massage another may feel uncomfortable because he doesn't. Both can become so occupied with what their bodies should or shouldn't be doing that they lose touch with the very sensations they came to enjoy.

This is one of the things I appreciate most about tantric massage. It offers a space where we can begin to loosen those expectations and allow the body to have its own experience, without constantly interpreting, evaluating or trying to direct it.

When someone has a tantric massage, their body doesn’t have to to respond in any particular way. He may become deeply relaxed, feel emotional, experience waves of pleasure or become sexually aroused, sometimes moving between these different states throughout the massage. An erection may appear and disappear several times, or not appear at all, and none of these responses tell, on its own, how much he's enjoying the experience.

Sexual energy is welcome in my sessions and arousal can be experienced and enjoyed without creating an expectation for anything to happen because of it, just as the absence of arousal doesn't mean that something is missing from the experience.

I think there is something deeply freeing about receiving touch without feeling the need to monitor every response, without worrying whether we're feeling too much or too little, and without having to make our bodies behave according to expectations.

And that is the kind of space I love creating through tantric massage, where the body is welcome to respond in its own way and where we can simply enjoy the experience of being touched, with all the sensations, surprises and quiet discoveries that may come with it.

Love,

Rosie x